Come, buy wine and milk- without money, and without cost

I've been shamed by my friend's amount of thought and refection over this rather antisocial part of our teenage lives where the world revolves around finishing school.
but it was Maunday Thursday yesterday- here is a weekend where reflection will come in conflict with study: The Easter long weekend just before the half yearlies.
Hah.

Yesterday was in interesting service. I dont know why i was excited; maybe that maunday thursday service is a 'family tradition' in the sense that our family always goes, and its something special just like the CHristmas eve service- at night time at church.
It's kinda weird thinking about how many times ive been to church in my life, or been to thius maunday thursday service and i've been completely different each time- a little older and a bit wiser. And thankfully a lot more aware than i used to be. (Seriously- during like, years 4,5,6, maybe 7 and 8 i have no idea what i was doing or what was happening i was just so vague. Its not that i dont remember its that i never made memories of what was going around me.)
anyway
Theres alwyas a real sense of atmosphere and excitement sometimes- when outside its either cold, or like it was yesterday REDICULOUSLY HOT, and inside its even hotter, despire the tiny little fans spluttering their little blades to keep the heavy air moving.

I've had holy communion two weeks in a row this week. its maybe abuot the 10th? time ive done it? Maybe less. I was baptised when i still had long hair. Haha i can't remember. Maybe i have had communion more than ten times.
maybe it was year 10? that means it Must have been more than 10 times. How come it feels so little?
But anyway- it feels like the ritual is slipping into that meaninglessness that always happens when you do things a lot. But- it still retains things that i find very interesting.

Its the physicality of everything that makes it something a bit intimidating almost.
On the big table at the front there are plates with squares of bread (proabably wonder white) and little plastic cups of wine (ribina, or some no-name brand cos its cheaper XD) And then Rav. David stands up there and he says almost exactly the same words;

"...and he took the bread, broke it, and said; 'Come, eat, this is my body broken for you. Do this in rememberance of me."

And then the elders all walk out down the church aisles and pass the bread to everyone, and when they come back to the big table, Rev. David passes the plate to each of them, and then someone passes the plate to him. I think its alywas interesting that no one gets the bread from their own plate- but someone always offers it.
And then he says something like "come, eat and be thankful." and then everyone eats, and some people try an each quietly, but you can alwyas hear munching above your own munching that you're trying not to make audible.

And then they do the same with the grape-juice.

"Come, drink. This is my blood poured out for you. Do this in rememberance of me."

It seems simple, and ritualistic.

But when ever i go to eat the bread, withouht thinking about it i close my eyes really tight before i put it in my mouth- and my hands are clenched when i chew it, and there is almost the hint of having to make an effort to swollow it down.
Same with the wine; i swollow it like i do a pill- throw your head back and open your gullet and its over (even though that sounds disgusting and something your shouldn't be doing in church for some reason XD)

I dont believe neccessarily in Resubstantiation; thats when you believe that when you eat the bread- it ACTUALLY turns into the flesh of Christ; when you drink the wine, it becomes his blood. If that was so though, you could understand my subconcious reactions.
But as it is-
its just wonderwhite and Ribina.

When the little square of bread is in your hand- the sheer immensity of this whole Jesus-biz approaches you as if it was the first time you heard about it.
Its hard to put into the words that aren't Cliche.

Here ya go; God's flesh; God's blood.
You know, when someone give you something that was so precious to them, or even something of themselves- you would want to be worthy of it. To treat it right. to treat it as if it means just as much to you as it did the person who gave it.

Maybe its the sheer neccessity that God's body is the only thing in the world that can save us. and that there was nothing that we could or can ever do to be worthy enough to even handle something so...



big...




i think i often belittle the immensity of Christ's death to peple and myself.
"yea- Jesus died for us".
but- isnt it just a little bit insane?

That God, knowing that Humans were compleltely incapable of saving themselves- even not wanting to be saved- even being monsterous and resembling Satan almost completely
Took it upon himself to give us a way out.
And we almost always turn God into a robotic sacrifice machine- that he made Jesus suffer without emotion.
Yet it was the Lord's will to crush him and cause him to suffer. Isaiah 53:10
how traumatic was it for even abraham to hold the knife above his only son?

Beh and i dunno- its sounding Cliche to me
but its so hard to use words that have been used so many times.