Zed OOOOOOOHHh em Jee

I want to be like HIIIIMMMM but i dont want to ahve to practice. I hope that when im old and have a big nose then ill still be fiddling- that would be pretty cool. Woe to the adolesent Fiddle-squalker!! Theres something about the way that the whole instruments seems to be an extention of his booddyy its like- wow.

now- this guy is just insane ;D you can see it in his face...and in his hair XD

Tabbus, tabbus, oh wonderful Tabbus

Oh wonderful me.
Really- i dont have much to blog about. I just have 3 minutes till 7 o clock because i just got back from Tafe, and i thought, it would be nice to start something when its a proper time, and not the end of an hour.
so i want to trype a little blog- just becuase me surfing all the internet webpages thati ususally surf- nothing new is on them, so i will make my new entry today.
Just to tell myselg and who ever should read it what has been going on in ma little wee brain.
Anyways- Davia; my chatbox is broken. Please fix it oh grand computer master!
yea. I tried updating this silly blog thing and it only made my chatbox dissappear and make ugly arrows at the side. This will not do at all.

Well- exams are coming up, and really i dont dread them that much- only tjhe fact that i am not ready to do them yet. Especially society. Society is funnish- except its the only calss i never pay attention in, and it really hurnts my brain sometimes. maybe its just becuase i sit to the side so uiahev to turn my head to listen to Mr Baxter. Plus i am not very socially litereate so i do not take so much pleasure in discussing up-to-date news of late. I think i better study that soon.
Yea and my japanese sucks. We had to write a dialoguye and compared to claudias its was powerfully peppered with lots of grammar mistakes- but im starting some tutuoring from some lady in Wolstoncraft tomorrow which shall be intensely scary. But hopefully beneficial. So i will come out frightened- frazzled, but magnificent at Japanese...hopefully.
I cant drop it next year and i have decided that i dont want to after all the hard work i have put myself through just to get it. Poo poo.

Plus it was bethos Partay on saturday and that was very nice. Nice place, and sooooo much nice food. Though we seem to be doing pretty well withthe left overs on this side. Plus the giant slide at that place was far-out awesome. Woooh.

annnnnnnnd i got in as Prefect!! WoWooooo; its like- 20 out of the 76 who nominated became prefect. Thats very humbling. When i got the letter i was like- ok...now what have i done= but NO it was a congradualatory one. I didnt really expect anything, which was good- but smetimes i take for granted the fact that for a long time now i could really d o0anything i wanted if i tried- if i pursued some oppertunity, if i take the last few yers of my life i could say that i had a good chance at getting it- only becuase in places ive been recgonised for something, or God has just let it happen. Its only been very recent and very rare that ive felt that something is really too hard that i cant do it very well- that there is something that i cant reach just by chance.
Hard work? Pft.
This is japanese im talking about- i guess im used to fudging something in an exam or writing task and getting pretty good for it (besides english practice essays- but they always turn out goo din the acutal thing)- but Japanese its like; fail everytime; and it is pretty discouraging most of the time too.
But i think its good. Like mum said this morning- being bad at something makes me more humble about myself, and more reliant on God. My little thorn.
So i dont really mind so much- not that im fixing it so that i can be big headed again- but that during the trials of struggling to learn a language i can practice my strength in God and not get so airborne by myself.
Its a possitive outlook- and im looking forward to the trial and chase.

The number of the day is....ME!

Which Sesame Street Character Are You?
	You are part Elmo. You are lovable and ticklish, and always inquisitive. Sometimes, though, your excitement about the world can make you seem childish, naive, and occasionally irritating to others.
	You are part Count von Count. You are down-to-earth (mentally, not physically), mature, and precocious. You have many talents, and many friends that appreciate your quiet level-headedness.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Which Disney Villain Are You?
	You are Scar. Pride and respect matter to you most. Like you said yourself, "Simba, it's to die for." You are the most vicious of all villains. You even killed your brother. Worst still, you did it on the big screen in front of millions of little, unexpecting children. You, single handedly, can make a whole generation admit they cried: once.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

rice orchestra 07

The bows came from Jen when she gave us really nice little packets of lollies each with a personalised messasge...
and all we got her was this tiny little 'thankyou card' that someone else-not in the orchestra bought becuase all the flower shops were closed and were were all like GOsh we're cheap XD










Our rabble at CCC milsons point- 3 hour rehearsal on a teusday night 8| totally energy draining









We are so cute. I am so obsessed 8D

There is something amazing about sending your soundwaves to Praise God with a whole bunch of other christians.

Of RICEy Maccas and Sausage Rolls

Zed. Oh. Em. Jee

RICE WAS TOOOOOO AWEESSOMMMEEEEE!!!!

Wow.
Amazeme.
I mean, i could have all been the incredible adrenelin rush that was everywhere- but i thouroughly enjoyed that whole day.
Im like, suffering from Rice Withdrawal symptoms.
In the morning i woke up and im like HOW DO I GET THERE?! because transport into the city was rather complicated that weekend plus i had no idea what the convention center looked like. I ended up catching a bus there and walking from town hall to the Nice Darling harbor which ihavent been to since a gabillion years ago. On the way i had a nice little read ofthe othello booklet but managed to not process any of the information whatso ever.
good play that.

anyway- i managed to follow some signs and got there wonderfully on time.
The convention center is so totally awesome. So much better than the town hall. Apparently people have their Speech days there. WHAT THE?! how big is your school supposed to be to be allowed in there?
well, hornsby is just brown and povo i guess XP
anyway- everything was sicely carpeted and nice big pointings and glass doors- and once we had to shove all our stuff in the store room and get changed there but even the STORE ROOM was awesome. it really was. i was like; this is the nicest store room ive ever seen.

Anyways- things were running not on time because apparently there was a power failuer and we couldnt do a sound check, so Jen (the AWESOMEST conductor and AWESOMEST compiler of all the orchestra scores- i can seriosuly see you shrub doing that; though that would bea lot of lunch times if you fo half a bar in one sitting 8D)
said we can go to maccas for lunch and come back in 1/2 hour.
Man- i habve to say it was a relief not to have Aidrian hanging over my head saying MCDONALDS IS BAD FOR YOU!!! and icould jsut eat my 6 chicken nuggets in peice. speaking of which i saw Tim there too before his rehursal. I say speaking of which because we recently discussed the time when he ate 30 chicken nuggets before Kyck. I believe this was a one time event in order to break a record...but i can see him doing it on a regular basis hrm- i dont know why XD.

Anwyays- the whole day was just rehursing and cleaning up bits.

The whole sound system was totally Pro too- so much equiptment. Except the man ordering people around was rather cranky and bossy and we were all scared of him. Well i was anyway. and yea- lots of practicing getting on and off stage and stuff- and i kept on hitting the mic that was over my stand with my bow so i had to do some erratic movements to bow out of its way.
Unfortunately i could never really watch the dancers properly as i was always playing music whilst they were dancing- so i never saw how cool Becs was- except i did see her lift her leg seriuosly high and im like Wooaaww. GO BEC i was watching heapsof Rice videos and she such a good dancer she gets lots of solo parts :D so this year she was in the skit too.

Man. Everythng was so exciting adn the night hadn't even started. We were seriously running late- it was 5:45 and the thing starts at 6 and we still hadnt eaten dinner and hadnt changed into sauve black and so i grabbed the provded sausage roll and im like- nUU i cant finish it and i was forced to stuff 2/3s of it into the bin :( So sad. But seeing allt he crowds of people outside and running aorund trying to find where they actually served dinner was awesome- and your like WOW YAYY RICEE its insane.

anyways- its like 11. and i need sleep. Mum let me stay home today because i didnt get much rest this weekend XP BUT that rules. HAr. but no way am i ready for my listening assessment for Jap tomorrow XP
ahh-
goodnight.

A deceptivly simple life...hrmm...

Which Springfield Resident Are You?
	You are Apu. On the outside you are kind and a hard worker, but you lead a deceptively simple life. Though your cleverness might be underappreciated, you never miss an opportunity to sneak ahead in life.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Awesome Japanese old guy Pwns Enlighsman with NINJA SKILLS

Shrub sent this to me....

Too Awesome.

Of Crusoe, Compost and Charasmatics

Ahhh Holidays.

Thats right, Fellahs- its that time of term.. ohhoohoo.
MAN ITS MEANT OT BE HTE HOLIDAYS- im not SUPPOSED to be reading Robinson Crusoe and boring snoring English Patient- not like i am XD ill get to it later im sure.
Anyway, Robinson crusoe wasnt so bad... It was acutally quite...exciting : heehee 1800 excitement :) Well, i liked it.

Hmm- Shrub told me that i havent blogged in a while, which is too true- so i shall write.
Haha ive been going to bed at like 12:45 nearly everyday -Just because. Doin things like scribbling on the computer and things. I've been working on my art Express! YAY but then something about my uber crowded disk drive majigi makes my computer unable to turn on so i think ive lost it. Poo. Like total poo man. But it was only coloring it in so i just have to scan it in again to a different compy and ...start again. XP
Never realise how much i use the computer until i can't use it. Its TORTURE- but thankfully we have three others in hte house. PHEW.

Anyway, today the whole fam went outside and started tearing up the garden and dumping things in various other placed. This is what we called- Cleaning the Backyard- a terribly rare and labourous occurence in the house of chan. But it was cool- becuase our backyard is a total bomb :) Full of compost and dog poo and scrab metal XP but its rather theraputic- tearing of weeds and OOh i love using the huge clipper things on the plants. Such a satisfying sound. >8)

Anyway- OK here is a BEtter thing to talk about.
Last wednesday Me, mum and Mum's friend dorothy went to the Hillsong Conference.
For those of yous who don't know what Hillsong is its a GIANT charasmatic church. Huge onChristian music, and they've got heaps of CDs and all this sort of merchandice.
And so for this whole week they held gaint services at the Acer Arena at Homebush- and ive never been before.
There were heaps of other Non-charasmatics there two, i could tell, and the reason that we wanted to go was becuase mum said it was be an 'awesome way to worship' becuase a lot of the focus was the Worship in Song part of the service. Like the singing and stuff.
We got there and there were like THOusands of people there and we had no idea what line to go to. And then we were like Riiiiiiiiiiiight at the top and during the Worhsip part there were these moshers all around us in the top row and im like- no way am i going to move me feet im going to fall over the railing.

YES- the music was awesome. Awesome guitars and awesome drums and awesome singers and awesome subtitles- but i didnt know any of the songs. Like none of them- lots of the people who Were there were Hillsong people, and so they were singing along, really getting into it and waving their hands and closing their eyes and Moshing sometimes and clapping and swaying and moving all over the place.
And im like- ...yay :)
Maybe if i knew the songs, i would be just the same i think. I mean, people often describe the sense of Euphoria you get when your with a crowd, moving and making the same noise for the same God- haha but i had no idea what they were singing. All new hillsongsongs.

But also- it was weird to move and get into music like that. Becuase you Just Dont Do It when your a Presbo- a Presbyterian. Hoo thats really hard to spell.
YEA becuase like, Prespyterian is like, though relaxed, conservative- though i never thought of it that way. Then again, ive never been to a charasmatic church before.
Me and mum were speculating that at church you'd never see the elders clap to music let alone mosh...bwhahahahaha. and raising your hands is really weird.
But thats the elders proablby. Thats my DAD XD
But i thought the Worship at Kyck was really cooll- they had awesome muscos and Awesome singers and it was relaxed and comfortable but taolly mosh-worthy.

In the end...it was a learning experience. I was really so much different to the way ive done it- and i have to say that it was really easy for me to be critical of the Charasmatic way- Oh the message was so shallow and Oh it relied on the HOly spirit too much and Oh they shouldnt focus on it all the time and Blah Blah BLah. Yes- thats what a lot of other denominations think about Charasmatic churches- their music is amzing, but their message is shallow. They do focus on the power of hte holy spirit alot and thats where you see stuff like people fainting and people speaking in tongues.
But really- its not fair for us to be so critical of them. Well, not fair for me to be so critical of them at least- because i think one of the main reasons we get critical is because Charasmatic services put us out of our comfort zone- they make us stand up and physically yell: I AM THE REDEEMED OF THE LORD- which they did make us say that. And its incedible how hard it is to throw your hands in the air, even when everone else is doing it.
And then we alwyas feel embarrased and we're like Ooh- i like my service better becuase its better and whatever.
i guess thats why people feel some churches suit them and some dont and i guess that why there are so many denominations. Hmm- we're all made different. Thats an interesting thought.
Yea- i admire the charasmatic chrsitians becuase they really are not ashamed at all in what they believe in. I htink all of us can learn from.

But i love presbyterianism :) and my Church :) I hope you guys can come and visit one day- its cool.

Gotta listen to the groove- and ya gotta listen Well-Ah

OOoh backstreetboys- THATS the way i like it XD
Listening to it in the kitchen while Inu cooks dinner.
Ane wa haha ni bangohan o tsuku-te ageru....to omoimasu... right? HAhaha

Speaking of which my exams went pretty dandily! im tres proud of it, which is a blessing.
Yea its that sort of ppoly period of lagging-ness and trying to resist homework that you get after the exams. Surely you should get a holiday after the exams. I mean... I Need a BreaK!! Lets just forget the fact that i got a 4 day holiday after my exams XD

Now being in the kitchen i have to unload the dishwasher.
you know what just occured to me putting the cups away- WHY do we have so many hundred cups and different types of bowles and plates for a family of 5??
and theni remembered having gatherings and parties and stuff.
...And lots of our cups and cutlerary comes from church- from whome we have stolen them over the course of many moons.

MAN THIS CHOCOLATE IS SO ADDICTIVE!!! Noir cherry!!! $2.50 from Woolies!! WAHH!!!

ok dishwasher is finished.

Inu says the backstreet boys are a bunch of wooses. Which is true- but wooses with really good voices :D
ok my backhurts. Ill think of something better to say later.

man ALIVE, Poos and Fish.

wow- what an EXCITING match on Iron chef today!
So much so that i want to write a blog!!

Today was the debut match for the NEW japanese IRon chef whome Roksabaro Michibi PERSONALLY picked out to take his place. A nice looking fatman in very nice blue silk pajamas, cos thats the color of the Japanese iron chef.
I liked Michibe because he had such an interesting face, such a square jawline and big eyes it was CRAZY! and he was always wonderfully grumpy espeically to the annoying 'FUKUI SAN.." guy.
But alas, it is not to be.

Fat man's last name was nakamura. Not as nice to say as Roksabaro.

ROKSABOROooo MICHIBAAaaaaa

ANyway- the challanger today was another fat-man who specialises in French, but for SOME reason he chose Nakamura today- weird.
And does anyone know waht Far Goire (sp?) is? it looked like a fat lump of beige something and seriously gross, but that was todays ingredient. Dad said it wa the giant liver of something maybe.

Anyway New Ironchef man won today, prolly cos its his first and it was be bad for him to lose on his VERY first challange, but they didnt say so.

Chairman Kaga will forever be my favourite- no matter who wins or loses. He is inspiration epitomised. he IS ironchef- with his lovely dalmation dotted shirt with ugly doggies on it and his Ultra crispy capsicum.

It was much mized emotions today, becuae i wanted both fat-men to win. They both looked very nice, and the challanger was struggling to make 3 dishes, but he DID! and the old woman judge was very happy sitting next to hot japanese actor (she said she was hot- not i)... it wasnt fearlerstrap.
i wait for the day when it will be!!! oHHHh what a MOmentus DAY it shall be!!

yea, and the commentators are so werid and laugh at their own jokes. It ads to their charm. And the main guy makes exclamations like MAN ALIVE!! which must be some literal japanese transaltion or SOMETHING because its uber weird.
It hink imight try adopting that
might be cool ;D

WatChed SHOOTER today with N00bs - Dave cos she was studying pooey physics :(
Seriously tense the whole time and found solace in the DOmo that was sitting in aid's cup holder and his funny little wavey arms.
WAHH!! he said. I'M FEROCIOUS!!! and he waved them around. IM GOING TO EAT YOU!!
what a funny poo.
Much like Far Guois- hahah i changed the spelling ;D
yea it looks like poo. Domo AND the ingrediant. It was like a big slab of diorreah sort of solidified.
But apparently it was 'very nice'

I remember once in BLAST (sundayschool) ANdrew wanted us to pray for him because he ate some seriously bad fish last night and was having diaorreah since like 1 in the morning. And then Ronald asked how you spell diaorEeah. Notice how i spelt it diferently every time? I still dont know. It was about a year ago XD

My Father's Holding onto me- He gave his, Son for me- My father's holding onto me....and he wont let goooo

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE KYCK!!!!!
how uberly aweosme was it? VERY!! how life changinly challenging! how supremely uplifting!

man im tired. I jsut spent a howle 5 hours dancing to X-FILES *screeeeeaammm* for Festivale at school. Don't come at watch me ._.
but its a pretty awesome dance. Gena dn Sam are pretty awesome chorries, and Shrub i an awesome mole, even though she literally doesnt have to do anything at the moment. Not many people can rule at not doing anything :D
Anyway, i thoguht it would share waht we id at camp, becuase the talks are really only half of it.

5:30- All the northern and north shore-ers had to meet at my hous, but for some reason no one was cmoing inside...out of the cold and mosquitoes and they wouldn't eat choclate chip cookies either. And then Sly got out his guitar and it was very Koom-bai-ya-ish. I think the neighbours reaction to us would be the same as if we started roasting marshmellows on the nature strip.
Now i thnk my house has been branded by neighbourhood watch as like, Chinese hooligan hangout.

2 hour car trip, got maccas on the way adn in CPC style we were late by half an hour to the first session. The speakers were tres coolio, though it hink i liked Eugene better (maybe it was cos he was asian XD) and the hwole theme was 'FOLLOW'
Man it was like the nitty gritty of being a Christian, the part that really isn't made clear enough. you need to COUNT THE COST of what it means to actually be with Jesus, 'carrying your cross' on the road to death. Because thats waht true desciples do- if you choose Jesus, you choose death; death of your ambitions and plans for life, the plans of your family for you and the expectations of your friends and of the whole world and be alive only to Christ.
sounds cliche, but it was suddenly made clear, the height and pain of all that sarcrifce, to be lean Wholly on God our survival. It broguht to light the prices we place on Money, on grades, on school, in choosing a course which will bring the most money and security to our lives. How trully futile it really is- and the prices are all fake.
It really expressed the true-ness of ever lasting-ness of God's love, and how easy and hard it is to be soaked up in it.
WOAWWWWW

i tell you- it made me aware of how for so long ive been 'hanging around Jesus' instead of 'following\ him to death. I realised what i have to be water-tight to the influences taht draw me away from him, from laening on him and loving him like the ship that sunk in too minuets. I guess, i have to get used to the smell of rotting fish- becuase inside the ship i am safe to travel to my destination. It really makes me think of the eternal value of things. How the things in this world that we pursue so heavily just disintergrate. Sounds like everythin i jknew before, but now i know it better.
Im gonig to try to make lots of cuts for the rest of my life now so tht Jesus is the only path i walk on. A man who walks to roads at once splits his pants. remember that.

Got to know some CPC-ers better too. A little. And those warm and fuzzies were very nice (little messages that make you warm and fuzzy that people were meant ot write during the camp) i really sensed the subtlty in Aids' one XP *snore* and me and Inu got upgraded to PRESIDENTIAL SUIT, which really lokoed like a prison cell, but it was private from everoe else. We had to move becuase we weren't aloud ot put a matress on the floor int he girls dorms and so somone at the move and then there were child protection things and the only thing we could do was to move Inu with her sister to another room. But itwas funkAY.

OOOOH and the musos were soo cool and that lady had a really nice voice and the new songs we learnt and EVERYTHING,. but i think the best thing to take away with me would be a new Beyonce move. Chest-poppin' like Beyonce!!
and the cool bible verse dance.
let the DEAD Bury their own DEAD, but YOU go and PROCLAIM the KINGOM of GOD.
I kept nearly wacking Pip and Jono in the head during the proclaiming part XD But trully the dead part is my favourit.
DEAD bury their own DEAD!!
where is it from? .... luke...9 somewhere- i guess that was important to memorise too.

And then there was the near purchase of 2 toothbrushed for freakin $11:50!! int eh katoomba chemist. WHAT THE?! bleh. Me and inu totally didnt bring any toiletries becuase we each thought that the other had packed the toiletries bag. So the first nigth we had to brush out teeth with our fingers and chew gum :D HArharharharar. and then keep borrowing the Coz' shampoo and stuff.
Then there was the happy smell of the wookwork shop and the killer bread-cutter violin bow, and then funky HATTERY that sells HATS *soo many HATS!!* and Micheal shi-hee getting kidnapped. or so i thought.

Anyway, next year it should be good too :)

Oh cruel, cruel world

NUUUU!!!!

try to climb a broken ladder, grab the missing rung and fall down, down, down, down...

A pretty weird Film Clip, same goes with his hat, but the song is totally cool.

I thought i just saw your eyelids rise, the thought of something restless, caught you by surprise...

the death of my Grandmother is a strange affair.
My grandma died when she was ...89, or so her death certificate would say. My dad says that she is actually something like 91- because she lied about her age, but it never really made much difference, because for about 20 years she looked exactly the same- she had white whispy hair tied into a funny little pony tail with a rubber band, she had wrikly yellow skin and tiny little asian eyes and wore old-people vests and slipper and trackpants and smelt like tiger balm or old-people cooking cabbage.
She had asthma and didnt like to treat it for some reason, and because her granny flat has had carpet since forever and her breath is always a constant low rasp, and so you could alwyas tell when she was coming down the hall to check doors and windows were locked and then harass you about why they weren't, or to comment on your violin practice or laugh at the photo of you on your table becuase of your upper lip hair. >8( But you can't run away becuase its not like she was blind to see you bolting away down the corridor so you would just have to wait till she made it to the door of your room :)
Its not that i hated it, it was just routine, and i got very used to it and everything, because it lasted like that for the 16 years i was alive. Am alive...

My grandma was born in China, my dad says, and then moved to Hong Kong where she lived next to a little fishing village at hte top of a big hill that had lots of stairs. Her father was a hot shot criminal lawyer and so she went to UNi too and trained as a lawyer, but i dont think she ever became one. She married...a man- i dont know anything about my grandpa, except that he taught english to the ...army. I think it was the british army, but they were chinese :)
So Lai Kan Chan pretty muched handled the whole household and its expences and its walls together every weekday when Mr Chan had to stay in the barracks for work, and when he did come around each weekend she would do everything to make his favourite food. Appanrently Food was held in very high reguard by G.Pa Chan so she went to very special effort. Mrs Lai Kan Chan did this all whilst running a small school for hte cute little fisherman's kids. SO she was a teacher too.
And then after Mr Chan died from cancer, My dad and G.ma Chan came to Australia for oppertunitied for Dad's career.
My Grandma lived with my dad then, and then for the 23 years they were married. :D Everyone called my mum a saint for living with her mother in law for all of the years that mum and dad went 'out' and then when they got married. But mum says it was no problem, because Mamma was really independant. During all of her 80s Mamma was Uber sharp in the brain and knew exactly what she was on about and what was going on. Her legs weren't as fast to catch us though :)

I guess as grandkids, who live with they're grandma, it was really easy to take Mamma for granted. Becauyse mamma was an Asian grandma, and you know asian Grandmas. All that tedious routine of trying to expain your laziness of WHY you didn't lock the door, and of course you can't say you were not bothered to do it because that dousn't translate verywell in broken english, or canto, for that matter.
And all that nagging. I dont think i copped much, it was mainly my dad, but still, you always got the impression thatMamma was always paranoid about everything and everything and everything, and she couldnt 'Chill-ax' like a young'un.

Plus, everyhting meaningful my grandma wasid was in Canto, so i never got a peice of her mind. It might have been nice if i did, i wonder, because all i got from Mamma was the paranoid routine part. Apparently, Mamma was an incredibly strongly opinionated woman, sharp and informed and questioning of social issues. One particular issue of her youth dad was talking about the yum cha after the funeral, was of her beef with organised religion and the hypocricy of the church. unfortunatly, i can't remember how God finally won her over, so i can't tell you. Its still a bit of a fuzzy mystery of how Mamma became a christian, but i guess out family clings to the fact that mamma went to Saint Phil's church down our street, and that she did study the bible. I guess i never really hear of Dad talkinga bout God+mamma too much to know.

but its crazy, because God + Mamma was all i could cling to when her funeral came around. I've never had any immediate Human family die before, and so mamma's funeral was the first ever. (i say human because Guinea pigs don't classify as humans :( )
Her death came around as her body functions stopped working. It was a pretty fast demise, in some aspects. Mamma took a fall one night. It was uber freaky to wake up to her screaming da's chinese name at 4 in the morning, and as i am the closest to her room i had to run and get dad. She was pretty shaken, and for a good reason, because she had broken...the femur? i dunno what bone, but its meant to tbe the stronfest bone in the body, and it snapped. Ostioperosis, mum says. mamma never liked milk. And i guess where she lived, there was not much, so she guessed no need.
She went to hospital, but then suddenly, out of no where her alzhimers (sp) which had been creeping up a few months prior, sort of crashed onto her brain.
She forgot she couldnt walk, and broke her other leg. She recovered in Hospital again, but wasn't that independant mamma again. That mamma walked to eastwood by herself all the time and cook and understood things. This mamma was a bed ridden lil' ol' asian lady who couldn't walk and had to eat gross boiled hospital mush. I know, becuase when we visited her she made us eat it. And it was...it sort of made you very aware of the grossness of sickiness and gangrene and stuff in hospitals.

Well, by that time, it had already solidified in my brain that mamma would never be the same. And it was weird when my oldest sister, who found herself bonding with mamma the most in those last few months than in her whole life, said that she never wanted to grow into such a state that your family just waits for you to die, and wonders why it takes so long, because thats what i found myself doing. Not because i wanted her to die, but it sort of gave me and idea of my distant relationship with Mamma, made even more distant because we lived so close to each other- it was a 'heartless Azn' relationship, and it disgusted me to think that i almost felt like i din care about my own grandma, who lived so close, yet was so far. This was the most apparent when we said out last goodbyes two days before she left.

Now that was a weird night. My sister, when i saw her, had a red face and big puffy eyes from crying. I didnt cry- and the nurse shoo-ed me away during my last goodbye because we were disturbing the other patients because it was like 11:30 pm. But that was alright, because i din have much to say. when i went outside again all i wanted to do was figure out WHY i wasn't crying. Isnt the death of someone your meant to love hurt a lot more than it does right now?? It was incredibly frustrating and frightening.
I guess, it boiled down to a couple of things, and then some excuses that i made. I dont know if they're true or not. I guess, it felt like mamma didnt have much of an impact on my life, being so far- a big cantonese language barrier in the way, and, just the general taking for granted-ness part of everything.
The other one is that because her mental and physical state started failing so dramtically, i was just waiting for it. and then i just got angry at myself for the waiting part. Grandma/Grandaughter relationships aren't meant to be like that surely. Plus, i know i would bawl my eyes out if my other grandparents died (on my mums side) Thats sucks.
There was nothing i could do to fix what i felt or what our relationship was like, but God comforted me in the knowledge that i could thank someone for who she was and how she was made and what she had done and how she loved, becuase in reality all that nagging and paranoia was done in love and nothing else. and i knew God was tell her what i thanked him for when she got there- and yea :) I guess, after life i could honor her by remembering who she was. Sometimes its kind of hard because my most thoughtful htoughts of grandma came form the time when she was fading, not when she was being taken for granted, so i remeber so much of her weakness and frailty. Thats definatly something she would not like to be remembered by, and iknow she can see me so i try to forget that cos thats just creapy.

But something else i was incredibly grantful for was something that i knew nonone else but God gave me. I dont even know why he gave it to me in that moment. The night i said goodbye, after my frustration, i was struck by nothing else buthe frailty of death. That there was only a tiny bit of time because i would assuredly see her again. For some reason, God made it so apparent that death had nothing of Mamma, because at the end of time she and me would be resurrected together for the new jerusalem. In thessalonians it says in better words, that 'don't grieve and cry in despair like the pagans do, because those who are dead are just sleeping.' And when Jesus was about to raise the little girl back to life, he said she was 'just sleeping'.
Its crazy, because, it sounds morbid, but death is almost everything i aspire to. It holds everything that has meaning and is the door to the purpose of my life. I mean, it starts in sunday school at church, and its strange becuase this attitude to death is so silent and solid in your heart you forget its there. And when you come to a time when everything Physical is laid bear, when you looking into that big drain that sucks the meaning and purpose out of all physical toil in your life on earth, you just have YOu, and God, and then peace.
Its not weird and morbid when i walk into her house. maybe a little bit weird, but not really. Because it feels like she's just left the house for a bit. But her old-woman cabbage smell still lingers :)And its equally weird when i look at a picture of her, becuase its like all thats left of her now is felt and made out of plasticy paper. She's just 2D. But thats only Physically.
It will be nice seeing her again, after all this actualisation and stuff.

GOOD MonSTERs never do what they could!

WAHHH!

I was re reading my post and it hink i went off the topic a bit. .. atually, something else occured to me.
In the Book, Pi is confronted by all his religious leaders why are astonded that they are all approaching the same boy. When Pi has to explain why he is so devout to so many, he says trtuhfully that he just wants to love God.
I gues, if you dont see allt eh faces of the multifaced diamon, its easy to take God for cgranted, espeically me- when you only focus on the love part, we often feel patron to God, that God is our slave and ollwos obediently out of love. This is never the case if we truthfull remeber his power and authority over everyhting ever created. We should hold all faces up with the utmost importance becuase without it, we can't trully know God fully and fear him properly. To interupt your everyday jobs to fall on your knees and pray fervantly at excatly the same time without fail is an awesome sacrifice and igues it keeps you in line, stops you from growinga big head and makes you remember God's importance.

But the problem is, as idealic and uniting and beautiful a concept is to follow lots of diferent religions at once in love of God- well, it can never be done. All religions have their right and wrongs, and it all clashes.
Infact, when pi ran to his temple again after become a christian, it seems that he knew Christ as God- but to me it almost seems like his belief in christ was to know he exsists. it wasnt a complete belief, a complete follwoing. When things clash, your going to have to abandon diferent parts of religions to make it fit, and that jsut doesnt work if there is a write and wrong way to worship God.

There. Add that to the last post.

Not all monsters are bad there are some that are good- Never do what they could, never do what they could...

Jars of Clay again! when i went to koorong i got that with christmas money from Uncle George :D

I have no fear of drowning
its the breathing thats taking all this work...

And dear Suchu - thankyou for your very pretty and lengthy comment :D I lost the linkt oyour blog, which reminds me that i must find gen's to and add it to the list...if im abel to that is- all that coding is frightening.
And dear Meegs- thankyou for your very pretty but not lenthy comment, it was beautiful :D

Carry me-
im just a dead man
lying on the carpet
can't find aheart beat

Weeeeee :D

Make me breathe
i wanna be a new man
tired of the old one
out with the old plan

Anyway, i DO have something to blog about so i better turn my music down or i can't articulate it.
IT alll started one bright and sunny day when i was taking a train to the city to meet Ms Innuendo to watch Happy Feet. To pass the time i took along my handy dandy MP3 and the book Life of Pi.
I came upon chapter 16 (slow reader :D ) and i think its one of the most thought provoking passages i have ever read in a book. I really encouage you all to read it. Apparently, i might have dreamt it but i think it muight be an english text, but read it anyway!
In the book, young Pi, a very devout hindi boy, is finding himself stumbling into various holy houses- temples and churches and mosques.
I confess, that the chunk of passage that caught my thinking-ness the most was when he was looking at christianity from a Hindi perspective-because im bias, naturally :D Ill put it here:

"I was quiet that evening at the hotel. (he had just visited a priest and had been told the gosple)
That a god should put up with adversity, I could understand. The gods of Hinduism face their fair share of thieves, bullies, kidnappers and usurpers. What is the Ramayana but the account of one long, bad day of Rama? Adversity, yes. Reversals of fortune, yes. Treachery, yes, But humiliation? Death? I couldn't imagine Lord Krishna consenting to be stripped, naked, whipped, mocked, dragged through the streets and, to top it off, crucified- and at the hands of mere humans, to boot. I'd never heard of a Hindu god dying. Brahman Revealed did not go for death. Devils and monsters did, as did mortals, but the thousands and millions-that's what they were there for. Matter, too, fell away. But divity should not be blighten by death. Its wrong. The world soul cannot die, even in one contained part of it. it was wrong of this Christian God to let his avatar die. That is tantamount to letting a part of Himself die. For if the Son is to die, it cannot be fake...Father Martin assued me that it was (n't). But once a dead God, always a dead God, even resurrected. The Son must have the taste of death forever in His mouth. The Trinity must be tained by it; there must be a certain stench at the right hand of God the Father. The horror must be real. Why would God wish that upon Himself? Why not leave death to the morals? Why make dirty what is beautiful, spoil what is perfect?

Love. that was Father Martin's answer."

let me put one more paragraph..please... :D

"There is a story of Vishnu incarnated as Vamana the dwarf. He asks the demon king Bali only as much land as he can cover in three strides. Bali laughs at this run of a suitor and his puny erquest. he consents. Immediatly Vishnu takes on his full cosmic size. with one Stide he covers teh earth, with teh second the heavens, and with the third he boots Bali into the nether world...
That is God as God should be. With shine and poer and might. such as can rescue and save and put down evil.
This SOn, on teh other hand, who goes hungry, who suffers from thirst, who gets tired, who is sad, who is anxious, who is heckled and harassed, who has to put up with followers who dont get it and opponents who dont respect Him- what kind of God is that? its a god on too human a scale, thats what...What is there to inspire in this Son?

Love, said father Martin. " He becomes a christian- and says: "Then i raced down the hill on the left and racedup the hill on the right- to offer thanks to Lord Krishna for having put Jesus of Nazareth, whos humanity I foudn so compelling, in my way." Hehehe- He becomes a totally devoted Hindu, and Christian, Muslim and Islamic and his house is full of shrines and crosses and candles and words and books.

" He brought his hands next to his ears, thumbs touching the lobes, looking as if he were straining to hear Allah speaking. He bent forward. he stood straight again. He fell to his knees and brough his hansd and forehaead to the floor, he sat up. he fell forward again. he stood. He started teh whole thing again...I challange anyone to understand Islam, its spirit, and not to love is. It is a beautfiul religion of brotherhood and devotion. The mosque was trily an open construction, to God and to breeze."

"He was a Sufi, a Muslim mystic. He sought fana, union with God, and his relationship with God was personal and loving. "If you take two steps to God," he used to tell me, "God runs to you!"

Quota rama- and i havent even made my point. Its coming 8D

It really made me think about a lot of things-
Firstly, how little i know about other religions.
Secondly, how much i SHOULD really know about other religions. Because in truth, the same God is central in all of them, wether polytheistic or ..the 'one' one. I think anyway.

I remember learning somewhere that from the ancientest more ancient human civilisation, all civ9ilisations have had a belief system and religion. Its because God- the only creator of everything has always revealed his authority and power as God to humans.
Though for some reason, he has revealed hismelf in many different ways, that or Humans have taken these revelations a different way to everyone else. I mean, everyone has their own account of how the world and universe was created. and each centers around a power God- that someone of spiritual nature intended us to live (as appose to us being the products of nothing but a chemical reaction with no meaning or purpose- as athiests say)

Why do we all believe that its a God that put us here? It is my belief that God the creator hard wired our little human brains to seek him. It makes sence- for if our craetion has a purpose, surely God would want us to know who he is so we can worhsip him and love him as God.
SO- why are all these interpretations of God so different?
perhpas its like a multifaced diamond. Maybe in a polytheistic religion, there is a God who is characterised by his anger and wrath, a goddess for the miracle of birth and furtility, another for kindness and love. In a ...monotheistic religion (?) God embodies all thse things. Perhaps, these aspects of gods are all parts of Christian God's very large character ( no disrespect to polysthestic religions- just saying how other religions are not so different to Christianity)

Grr...

I MEAN- i find that from my glimps at other religions throughthet Life of Pi that they seem to focus on the might of God the creator- the wonders of his POWER and AUTHORITY- and you always get this sence in how hardcore muslims and Islamics and hindus and other realigions stick to firmly to their rituals and things because it is deeps nar eal FEAR of God- not terror but that True, unshakable respect.
Christianity focuses on the LOVe of God. we now of Gods power and authirty and righteous wrath like everyone else, except our whole belief and lifestyle is in the fact that God IS love. he is the epitome of love in all its aspects and it is what compelled him to die. This love is greater than his authority and power in a way because it is the driving force in how he has used it to creat e the world, us, how he sustains us, and how he will live with us after the world dies.
Its a very beautiful concept and reality- but i find...
As christians, because of this very strong Focus on LOVe- we seem to get a bit- Fatty, pudjy around teh edges...spiritually Tubby when it comes to Reverant fear to God. We are so layed back in the 'softiness' of lvoe and forgiveness that the other sides of the multiface diamond are ignored. We can't possibly worship God propperly if we can't climb the giant hill of self-sacrifice when we are so unfit. These rituals of other religions, if done with the right attitude rather than done out of habit, are so beautiful and true, maybe we shodl take a leaf from their books? .

so- if all these religions are so similar in a way that all religions point to God, then why is there so much conflict? Its because we all have different paths to God- paths to salvation. Because salvation is so crucial, yet we're all so different, thats where our conflict is, and you find that most religions are totally identical save fo the way you are 'saved'. Is it karma or Christ? works or love? Chance? Pleaing for your soul? forgiveness?

Yea ive run out of D&M juice long ago...blurg *ded*

Oh troubled boy, just because you like to destroy, all the things that bring the idiots joy WELL, whats wrong with a little destruction?

REally, Franz Ferdinand are the bees knees of music. Trully, So original, innovative, creative + they're scottish. WOO!
Yea i have no D&M today either.
Holidays havebeen pretty quiet, (BECUASEE IVE BEEN SO ANTISOCIAL) in truth, i feel rather guilty about being so anti-scoial, so to all my friends: MY APPLOGIES!! I will make it up...atschool... :D
Anyway- hey a gpood thing to do now is to do like Davia did in her post and REFLECT on the past year. thats pretty D&M..
This year has been pretty awesome i reckon. ONe of the best. Well, all the other years of my past are sort of fading into my memory so im pretty sure this is the best.
I think one of the best things is that ive become an ANTI-N00B CHUM! Wee :D my chums are wonderful, and i think this is the first year in the history of Ta that she has ever missed any chum during the school holidays :D I think my Azn Heart is melting D8
Trully, spending recesses and lunch with the Pentagon (or some other geometric shape) under teh tree next to the railwaytracks has been totally Uber. Geneuber, in fact (which actually means Opposite, BUT it has the word Uber in it, so we can over look that)

One NOT SO COOl thing that happened this year was the hellish assignments we got in term 3. That was not cool, and we look forward to more of these in the year to come- 07. I mean, the year that is already here.

Oh and i got confirmed this year too. That was pretty spectacular i must say. And perhaps, i can say too that i am learning to become a more anti-n00b chum at church too with all you church buddies. Learning, learning- even though i've known you guys have exsisted since forever, i might say that this is the first time ive actually exchanged words. Talk about sentimental. I tell you im looking forward to a new year of N00bing- oF being the offical old people at YF (escpecially Jono) and also YOUTH SERVICE and becomeing more B&SIC (bros and sis in Christ) . Weeew :D
B-&-S-I-C...yes thats the book for me...

This CHRISTMAS was pertty Busy Bee for me. me and my fiddle. On christmas eve the nursing home trip was pretty uber- we only visited 2 places in the nursing home because the sunday shcool teachers split up teh whole group into two, and i had to make up 'We wish you a merry christmas' on the spot because aunty kim forgot to tell me that we had to play it. I have to say that was a very proud anti-noob time, even though i was particularily spiteful when Aunty kim got me to play a solo while the offertry Bag was being passed around >8( PBW that was awful. But at the same time wonderfullly Anti-noob. yOu know i love it :D
And and and I played at WIS on the christmas eve service! and i had to play tres uber freaky Intro to the songs that icould never get right, but God helped me get the cues right. Man.
AND then we sane the hallejuja Chorus with the family. Man, the practice sucked but it was so funny i coulodnt stop laughing. ANd in the actual thing i lipsynced a whole page and tried not to listen to mum who wasnext to me because she was out of tune. BUT- everyone said it was...good... And anyway the Supper afterwards made up with all that cake my mum made and the chips and crackers and salsa and things.
That was tres fun.

ANNNNNNND- I got a Tablet for Christmas! And so i've been doing more Computer generated things on the computer, and and and now im drawing a picture for Davia. Should be Good! but no where near finished. This is waht ive been doing far the past few weeks of the holidays- at my computer, not even on Msn. On hamachi, yes. In Darkstone, yes. And Paint Shop pro, Yes. But not on MSN where there is an ounce of being socialble with other people. So in essence, i had fully isolated myself in my house AND on the internet. :D Except slaying mighty Xeris' with my 38+ MAster Sword with BAyne the mighty and dexterous thIEf with a total PWnage Bow and Magic Missile Shurikens until deep in the nightime of 12 midnight. Gahhh- then sleeping in until 11. Man- how awesome :D :D :D
OKK mum is telling me to get off the compy and get changed so we can walk to koorong. Ill see yall later one day - CIAO